What a year it has been, only my really close family and friends know what I have been through, in the process of healing and moving on it’s time for me to tell you all what has gone on.
Those of you who know me and worked with me over the years know, that I have always had a problem with sleeping, it always seemed that I would wake up and couldn’t go back to bed, last year my job had become so stressful that I started losing my hair, I couldn’t eat and I ended up becoming an insomniac, I would maybe sleep 10 minutes a night. It was so bad that I thought I was losing my mind. I couldn’t eat without getting sick, I couldn’t remember anything, I was completely and utterly burnt out. I was having 2-3 panic attacks a night and more during the day.
I saw a therapist during this time who shined a little light on my insomnia, that I was hyper-aware at night because of the trauma I had gone through growing up;
I am going to do something that my mother never could, most of you know my mom as a caring person and she would go out of her way to help you. That was my mom on the surface, below the surface she had an addiction, and when she started drinking the claws came out. Now I am not writing this to make you remember my mom in a different way, this is me, I am healing too, I spent most of my childhood and my adult life being ashamed and embarrassed about how my mom acted. She was really good at putting on a front for people. Countless times I was woken out of a dead sleep to things being thrown at me, being woken up to be told I was worthless, ungrateful, unloveable, waking up to find her gone, her calling my friends, friend’s families, and my work to tell them how useless I was, it could be anything to set her off. In the middle of the night, one of my mother's “friends” sexually assaulted me, when I told my mom about it she didn’t believe me. The list goes on and on...
My mother was an alcoholic, and I became one too.
Last year, this last week Nov. 11th to Today, I had given up, nothing was working to help me sleep or eat, I exercised, I hiked, I tried melatonin, CBD Oils, I was put on two different medications which only made my insomnia worse. I had reached out to numerous agencies in flagstaff for help, only to be met with 3 weeks waitlist. I was exhausted and done, I had lost all will to try any more. That’s when I turned to alcohol, this week last year I set out on a week-long binge, I drank a lot, I put myself in danger but worse I put my loved ones in danger and put my marriage on the line. I don’t remember much of that week, except for “sleeping” which drunk sleeping we all know is not real sleeping. Everyone who cared for me and knew where this path would go came to my aid and helped me get the courage to put myself in rehab.
On November 18th at 11:30 pm Dylan and I drove to Prescott, AZ., where we slept in the car in a church parking lot and, at 8 am November 19th, 2019, I walked into a rehab center, I was terrified, distraught, and defeated.
At Decision Point, I found what I was looking for, people who had been through what I had been through, people who could help me. I was only supposed to go for one month and ended up staying two. I met the most amazing people that helped me pick up my shattered pieces and start putting them back together. It’s a long road but I am doing it.
Today I am ONE YEAR SOBER! That’s 365 days and counting, and I couldn’t be happier or more proud of the woman I am today.
If you took the time to read this I appreciate you, thank you for being my friend and if you ever need anything or need a shoulder to lean on calling me I will be there!!!
